[warning: I ramble more than usual in this one]
So, it's been a long time since I've written anything, probably because I don't really like Blogging. I've sat down and typed numerous times, but I never manage to hit the Publish button. Maybe tonight will be the night, because I've just got to let some of this out.
Last time I wrote, I had just come back from Men of Honor and I had this wonderful new outlook that everything in life was a chocie. Well, that kinda went out the window for a little while.
Georgia Tech raped my ass and I lost Hope, just because I don't care.
I Lost my license, but the wonderfully efficient State of Georgia took until late May to process it. I get to drive again the week before semi-formal. And I'm not studyig for the driving test (I have to redo everything), just out of principle. And if it turns out that I have to do the whole graduated license thing again, well...that'll be just one more reason to transfer schools, claim residency somewhere else, and try my luck there.
Katie and I are still dating and despite the distance now, we're doing okay.
Classes are weird. I'm learning, but it appears that Georgia Tech's attempts to kill my thirst for learning have all but succeeded: even in classes I'm not prepared for, I don't do anything. That's obviously a choice, but it's one I don't understand yet keep making over and over again, even after failing numerous reading quizzes and probably making teachers I really respect hate me.
I felt smart today, because I solved something in the DSP lab in a novel way. Once again, it wasn't out of effort, it just made sense to me.
And I still suck at school.
Oh yeah, and I got a D in physics last fall because of a combination of never doing any work and mis-reading the course description so that I (literally) couldn't take two of the tests. That's right, I got a D in physics 2 with an uncurved C+ test average and a 98.5% final lab score. At least I don't have to take the lab over again.
At least when I get done with all this schooling, I'll have a nice piece of paper in a glorified envelope with a shiny sticker of the GT crest to bury in storage with my MMS Beta Club shirt and those pictures of me in running mascara from when I was in the Wiz.
So, in general, school kinda sucks. I guess it's because I feel like I'm losing all of my friends. We just have different interists. They want to party and work on school work. I just want to do something I believe in.
I have ideas that would absolutely revolutionize the way EDM (electronic dance music, most of you will probably think "Techno," even though that term is grossly misued) is performed in clubs throughout the world. My ideas would turn DJs from audiophile geeks, who basically operate a really nice Stereo system with secrets well-guarded so that people don't know how simple it really is, into real musicians. The problem with all the solutions that try to do that now, of which Ableton Live (www.m-audio.com) is the only notable contender, is that they still work in an industry based on the paradigm of Records. Yeah, you can start a song from any point in the record at the push of a button and create nifty loops and send it through effects. I can do it with turntables, all be it not very well, and I know people who can do anything you can with Live...but with turntables, and probably better.
My ideas would change that and actually allow DJs to create something completely new, while still based on other people's songs. But, it would also require the music industry to release their prescious multitrack recordings for DJs use. And considering how much they fight p2p, it won't happen except maybe with small, independent labels. And until that happens, all this wonderful processing power and all these great new DSP chips are basically really complicated facimilies of Turntables, with reduced reliability and none of the conveniences and tactile satisfaction of the original.
I could do that.
Or, I could write about how ignorant people are of politics and how little bleeding-hearts will help people in need. "Give a man a fish, feed him for a day; teach him to fish, feed him [and his offspring] for generations." Or, I could loqute the problems with public schools for the smart introverts. Or, I could discuss--in great detail--the phenomenon of alcohol in our culture, or sex, or violence, or even just complaining like I'm doing now.
And all of it would feel more satisfying than realizing that complex exponentials are a benificial way to represent sinusoids because algebra works on them. Yeah, it's important, as almost none of the music I mentioned above would exist without Fourier transforms, but I don't feel like crunching numbers (or in this case, greek letters) is something I can believe in just yet.
Oh yeah, and I went to a career counselor this summer. Every test, every personality inventory, every single thing we did lead him, and me, to the conclusion that I'm supposed to be some kind of artist. That's great, now I just have to find a way to make money to finance my clothing, music, and speeding habits.
"Sorry for speeding officer, but I was trying to take a photograph based on speed slur and geometric juxtaposition of technology and nature that would represent today's neopostmoderntranscendentalisticexistential crisis."
Also, I think I've decided that I don't drink.
I'm realizing that it really is hypocritical of me to condem people, if only in my own mind, for using harder drugs when I use something that is also illegal and presnts a similar risk - with no actual benifits. But, then you get into whether Caffeine should count - I tend to think it should. It's not a major crisis in my life, but it's something that I've been thinking about recently. And I've all but decided that I'm basically a straight-edge, though not in the strictest of senses for one of the major tenents.
And, now, the thing that I've wanted to write so many times, but I never do manage to....and I realize again that this is not the proper forum. I've got to tell them in person. Resolving the central issue of my life for the past year or so, even if it's as difficult as I know it will be, has got to lead to some kind of peace compared to the chaos and neurosis that I feel right now. I'll update next Wednesday, late, and let you know if I have the cajones to go through with it.
Maybe this is what blogs are for. It helps to write things down, but maybe it helps even more to write them down where people have a chance to read them. Even if they never do, the possibility is there, and the openness seems to lead to a kind of resolve, a peace, that makes me think I've done something.
